Adaptation and adjustment has been swift, so much has changed.
With the diagnosis settling in my mind and the shock dimming and the shatter of it all being swept up, I am focused these days mostly on change and action.
I have now known what it feels like to fear for a life you hope you can change. As I’m sure so many do when things like this suddenly come to light, a lot of running happened at first. But it wasn’t the running I expected. The things my thoughts ran too were connection, friends and family….community. I have spent a lot of my life very walled off and dealing in encapsulated behavior. I have a tendency to give peers, friends and family a very curated experience of myself and a lot of that has been motivated by fear and difficulties as many social things go.
What I craved and needed, almost as much as food or medication during the first week of having my diagnosis was company. Friends who I normally would turn down for a hang out, friends who I didn’t check in enough on or chat with frequently…suddenly I was saying yes to every opportunity and reaching out in any way I could. In that first week I did more with friends and my husband than I had probably done all year, and that’s sadly not an exaggeration.
I have always been an overly cautious, frightened, fearful creature. Leaving the house must be a controlled and easy pathed thing. Essentially if it’s out of my control, if I’m going to stress….it isn’t happening. When it comes to other people, especially friends and peers, there will always be an element of “out of my control” an aspect of needing to go out of comfort zones and putting forth some effort. and those things were what I have used for a very long time to excuse myself from social things: hangouts, meet ups, clubs, cons, parties, trips…..he’ll just going down the fucking street to get a coffee with a friend would be a no some nights.
As I sat there with these ideas of facing my own mortality and truly having the microscope put on the “everyone has a time limit” I began to uncover these regrets. I wanted to be there for people, I wanted them to be there for me, I wanted to hear what they had to say, listen to their stories, tell me about their days…I’ve sat here putting brush and pen to paper for years and years saying “oh dear look at me and my story, isn’t it terribly important that I feel this way or that and trained myself to make all these pretty markings on paper about it?” And could not be bothered most nights to pick up the phone or hang out with a friend.
My immediate friends and family were surprisingly easy to begin to bridge that gap with, simply showing up, listening and reaching out did the trick. I’ve had more impromptu hangouts and fun little conversations these past few weeks than I could put down here even in short form. It’s all very much impressed on me how rich my life CAN be if I can do two things.
Try
Receive
That word has really become a bit of my new ratty word “try” i have not “tried” enough in my life, sure i need to cut myself some slack, ive tried in a lot of ways that I can see, overcome a lot of rough roads and put in a lot of work. But in a lot of ways there are things that I don’t show up too, I don’t “try” and give it my effort.
Fear has been identified as a big big force in my life, as a person, an artist and even in my spiritual path. It’s been fear informed for far too long and deeply, and while I may not ever be able to completely get out from its thumb, I can “try” more. Identify those things that need my effort and give.
One thing I’ve really identified outside of immediate friends and family that I want to “try” for way harder and give way more too is a community that honestly has supported me through everything and has always, ALWAYS been there for me. It’s art is where I started my path, as a coyote when I was 15. Its artists have deeply and profoundly inspired me to take up that work. Its online spaces have provided a home for my strange little art and words and has always in some form or another been wonderfully supported, unabashedly by people brought together by that communities interests. It’s gotten me to travel and meet with friends, all together in big spaces and events…the closest thing I can comparing to that I grew up with….its like a church…no no not like the rules and “you have to go”s but in the “this is how it was supposed to be” way. We chose what we loved inherently, we found others who did too, we created things out of that interest and love. Sold and supported one another. Met together. Our own words, dress, costume, culture…and it has always supported those who find themselves on the fringe, which I always have. It’s such a beautifully inclusive community. It’s so strong. And doesn’t get enough real credit for how incredibly unique and powerful it inherently is.
I’m talking about the furry community of course. And those animal folks that it’s made up of! Those people? I want to give more to those people. People I refer to by animal names, people who understand things about me that are so near and dear to my soul. People who support my art of rats and badgers. People who call me rat.
That’s become a major desire now.
Showing up, checking in, supporting more, both monetarily and time. Giving of myself to new people, new experiences and just clearing out the cobwebs of a frozen in place fearful little rat.
Who knows what the future holds, and though fear will be struggle, I’m going to TRY against it. It’ll make me not want to paint and sketch my FURRY ART but I’m going to TRY against that, put pencil to paper more often and give it my effort! Same with people and events, I know it might be safer to just stay home, not risk it. But sitting there in a hospital, in the sterile, cold empty void, being told something serious like that….im gunna want to have a lot more effort and strength in my arsenal to get through that the next time. Friends in my corner. And while I am able, because who knows, none of us really do, I want to make my art, so my ratty little things, and find joy in them. And maybe if I can find joy in them, and work, give it that effort, that “TRY”
Mayne someone out there can feel inspired and comforted by it or my presence.
take time to take care of yourself, it’s so easy to just let it go because it’s all too much, all the time in every direction. But “try” where you can. It started for me by saying “I don’t know how to do this all for myself, but I know how to try for Ben and 57 and all my little animals” I can try for them and the people who I love.
I titled this blog post “imprint” because when I was younger I was obsessed with the song of that name by the band Doubledrive, I think the idea of just making yourself pick up your leg, put down your foot and repeat, is a mantra I can get behind. Another musical reference on the subject, In the words of Jason Molina “we’re all supposed to try”
Doubledrive: Imprint
https://youtu.be/ths4gm0k-5g?si=7EBIlUBMwpyE348T
Songs: Ohia: Farewell Transmission
https://youtu.be/malJUMz2A9Y?si=Lmc1BrVrc3UbtV4C
(A huge thank you to my friends both in and out of the fandom for all of your love, kindness and willingness to show up for me in my time of fear and being so very frightened, I couldnt have needed you all more and you gave freely and openly. Odette, Gil, Brundledonk, Portglast, bjaker squirrel, SIF, Shyly, Mute, Zunel, Bear (Medved), goat, Saul, Tusk, Patrick, my potato ratty brother, ZeeBusk, Pedro, DAISY, Max, Vasmeth, lebarron, Bug and Frank and so many others…yall really saved a little rat! Love you all so much🐀)
