Well, hello to all of you out there!
The Rat has decided to start up this blog again. I wish that the circumstances were a bit happier, though to be fair I had made this decision before everything happened.
On Wednesday evening (05/29/24) I asked my husband to drive me over to the emergency room. I had been experiencing some mild but unfamiliar chest pains. We ate a small dinner (not thinking much of it, more just a precaution and to set my already nerve riddled hypochondriac mind at ease.) then drove over to the ER. They got me checked in and immediately took me back for an EKG. Shortly after that they drew lots of blood, collected urine and did an ultrasound. They initially told me that my pain was due to my gallbladder and the ultrasound seemed to easily confirm that as the tech even said it was “full of stones”. They ordered a CT scan as well just to be safe. When the physician came back in to discuss the results, she initially went over the gallstones and said I needed to have my gallbladder out eventually. I asked if that’s what could be causing the pain in the middle of my chest. She neither said yes or no, or maybe she said no, or yes, it’s so hard to remember because what she told me next really just left me feeling blank and full of ice and nothing. She said in a sort of nervous voice that the CT scan had picked up an anomaly and that my Thoracic Aorta was enlarged. Usually it is 3.something and mine was 4.something. She said that that puts me at a greater risk for aortic dissection. She referred me to a cardiac surgeon who was to see me first thing in the morning. I asked if it was safe for me to go home and she said she felt it was.
They called me when we weren’t even two streets away to tell me the office wanted to go ahead and see me that next morning.
I went home completely wrecked. I was crying and scared. I didn’t even know if i could/should cry or if that would be dangerous for my heart. I had to immediately quit nicotine gum and of course immediately went intro withdrawals. So with panic, hypochondria and withdrawal setting in, we drove back in the dark with a diagnosis but no clue what to expect.
I slept horribly that night, every pain and palpitation making me feel like that was gunna be it. All my loved ones, friends, family….all my work…ben….57….the little things my husband and I love doing like playing smash and eating in the car in the rain…..it was all just way too much to bear thinking about. There in the dark as the hours drug by.
When morning finally came an agonizing forever later, we got dressed and went into the cardiac surgeons office. It was a small dark little affaire, and most patients in the waiting room agreed on two things, they always had to wait forever and that he was the best around so it was worth it. I was so incredibly nervous and tired, I just wanted coffee and Nicorette, but could have neither (I self imposed caffeine until we learn more) After what seemed like an eternity, my husband returned with the imaging disk from the ER just as the doctor called me in.
The surgeon looked over the papers, listened to my heart, asked me two questions (can’t remember what they were) and said “ok were gunna schedule you for an echo, we will call you, your aorta is supposed to be about two fingers wide, yours is about 4, your a normal guy dont worry about it, its not that.” I sort of protested amd was like “what about the pain?” He said he felt it was “a little pleuritic pain or lung issue, maybe esophageal but not that.” I asked if there was anything I needed to watch for or warning signs, he said no. I asked if there was anything i needed to avoid and he said “yes, no nicotine” I said that’s all? He said “I’m not trying to ignore it, I’m trying to put your mind at ease.”
We left there with my head spinning, it was great that he said that but there was also so much confusion and flat out doubt. Most people doubt stuff like that, but with hypochondria its especially hard to be consoled. I was fighting my brain from entering that song and dance while reeling from the “your dead to your going to be in mega-critical surgery within hours, to you’re….just going….home??
We stopped at a nearby building to set up an appointment with a primary care physician for a close date and then went home.
The last few days have been intense. Facing mortality has really drawn up a lot of poison and fear. The first two days were so severe I was genuinely worried for my heart because of the extreme stress (It didn’t help that the afternoon we got back from the cardiologist, the tornado sirens were going off all evening) I called the ER back and had them prescribe something short term for my nerves. They barely helped but I’ll give it credit that I didn’t actually crawl out of my own skin. I insisted on going out as often as we could. Eating (very healthy) but out on the last few nights. Having friends over today and making plans to go out with friends later in the week. My husband has been a rock through this,. Having him by my side has really helped me even be able to get up off the floor through the fear. That fear has been the worst part, this icy, empty panic that seems to be triggered by everything from thinking about the doctors offices and nurses and doctors, to thinking about the future and things i like, to turning my head too quickly, being too cold or smelling certain things. It FUCKED me up. Ive not experienced such intense panic and dissociation possibly ever. Today was the first day that as of 11:20 p.m. I have not needed a nerve pill. Bed may prove the undoing of that but we shall see.
Right now art and my animals feel very far away, they feel very scattered like maybe they are quite scared too, I can tell Ben is here with me through all of it.
Ive stepped away from most projects I had planned at this point. I need everything completely cleared, furries are usually intensely sweet creatures (hopefully myself included) and so I do hope that those who are waiting for things or had things be cancelled will understand and have patience and mercy for me (I know that sounds extravagant but I couldn’t think of a better word)
I think for now, experince and people are my main goals, I’m gunna be a chatty rat! I wanna get to know folks better and learn how to use my skills towards love and betterment and not simply deep self reflection! That’s all great and good but it revealed a huge gap when it all went down, I don’t wanna go through this alone!
Ill be keeping this little blog here updated, probably every day for the first little while, just as a place to keep things updated, but also just as a space to share and stay connected.
THANK YOU ALL, you’ve kinda been my little ghostly (and some not so ghostly) cheerleaders throughout my career as a silly online rat who paints. And it’s very comforting to know that there are folks out there who see me and my work. ~RAT